Ok, so I recently turned 29, and I have been feeling the pressure of being almost 30. Mainly the whole, 'settling down and having kids' thing. My biological clock is ticking, and I can hear my uterus screaming 'Bitch! What are you doing! Im growin cobwebs here!'. So when I found an article entitled Fertility decline surprises women over 40, I read it, more out of shock that anyone could not be aware that their fertility starts declining in their mid thirties, and in disbelief that this is what the article was actually about and the headline was misleading. As I read it I found out that yes, there are plenty of women in this country that are THAT uninformed about their bodies. Apparently these are the ones who never got into Sex And The City. Aside from pointing out the obvious, the article did bring up an interesting side note. Women are definitely waiting later in life to have children, be it by choice or economic burden. Now, I know women have always had miracles late in life, after all, women had sex with their husbands well after child bearing years in the days before birth control, and it can happen. But the difference is is that now they are CHOOSING to have a baby late, say in their 40's. They are actively avoiding conception with birth control, and then using IVF to kick start the old rusty uterus into life. With a chemical cocktail, we are reprogramming our reproductive cycles to fit our needs, as modern humans. Which, if you believe in such shenanigans, is what evolution does. So I wonder, if by this man made intervention, we will speed up evolution even more? Specifically, will women evolve to have children later in life faster than normal? Imagine for a second a world without birth control or IVF, but the rest of our advances in medicine and nutrition remained the same. Women would naturally evolve a longer child bearing window as our life expectancies grew, as a matter of fact, we already started, our average menopause age has increased, but very very slowly compared to our life expectancy. 100 years ago, the average age of menopause was 45, but the average life expectancy was only 49. Today the average age of menopause is 51, but life expectancy is 80. That means our childbearing years have raised only 6 years, compared to our life expectancy going up 29 years. (We would also, fyi, be living roughly  into our 300's by that point, but you know, this whole point is hypothetical anyways, and just something off the top of my head, so stop over analyzing it). Ok. Back to our imaginary world. So, in our world that advanced the same as the real world, with the exception of birth control and IVF, it would take us roughly 1000 years to evolve to experience menopause in our 60's, and surely our window of good fertility would expand 10 years along with that, giving us an average age of 45 that our fertility would decline, not 35. But maybe, since not only are we conditioning and preparing our bodies to have babies later than we normally would, but we are also conditioning them NOT to have babies in our earlier years, our speed of evolution will shift, and we will begin evolving our reproductive cycle faster than our life span, bringing our fertile years well into our 40's. But I believe it will work the other way around too, perhaps not lengthening our fertile years, but rather, SHIFTING them from our teens and twenties being our most fertile years and our 30's marking the decline of fertility, to our 20's and 30's being our most fertile years, and the decline doesnt begin till our 40's. The actual process of this taking place totally makes sense on an evolutionary standpoint. I mean, think about it. Most modern societies do not need teenage pregnancies. Even in most third world countries, they wait till the girls are 18 to marry them off. Despite what certain tv shows would have you believe, teen pregnancy rates are dropping, we, as a society, are actively avoiding pregnancy in our teens. So what reason would our bodies have to continue to waste precious eggs? It makes much more sense to evolve eggs with longer life spans, and to not ovulate during teen years, using the teen years as a time to instead grow and mature the body, perhaps even mature the eggs, beginning ovulation in our 20's, therefor making our 20's and 30's our prime times for conception, with our teens becoming a rarity and next to impossible, and our 40's will still be fertile, but will mark the begin of our most fertile years. This also benefits evolution in terms of survival as well. Our ancestors teenagers made the parent who offered their infant the best chance at survival. They were young and strong, capable of providing food, shelter, and protection, while their older counterparts were slower, and weaker. Nowadays, this is no longer true. Our teens now days are most def hampered with a baby, and its our older citizens who are best equipped to raise a strong, healthy, smart baby with a good chance at passing along his DNA with a prime partner. So, Im thinkin, this would probably happen anyways, but I wonder if birth control and IVF are speeding up the process.
This is just something I was sitting around thinking about, and decided to get it off my chest. Im not an expert in any way, I just read a lot, that does NOT mean I necessarily know what Im talking about. Do not take me for gospel, or troll if they have already studied this or something and I just missed that study, but if you have thoughts, or know of any studies on this, please let me know! :D

Why is Obama soul cholesterol?

                                                     Your soul is at stake man! Your SOUL!!

 Lately I have been seeing a lot of memes about Barack Hussein Obama being the key to eternal damnation. Really? Is this because he is the Anti-Christ?

Courtesy of Good Drawers.com

                       Pictured: Having a smoke while comtemplating whether to bang your mom  BEFORE 
                                                                           or after he takes over the world.

Because, u know, I haven't seen any direct mentions of that lately, but the scary quote from the book of revelations (more on that later) seems to imply so, and. I suppose that could just go without saying, cuz, well, DUH the Anti-Christ is the key to eternal damnation

                                                 Picture courtesy of  http://www.freakingnews.com/Double-Vision-Pictures----1762.asp
                                                                       Souls taste best with a glass of milk.


But I think the real reason they dont give a reason is they dont have a reason. Obama failed at being the Anti-Christ, failed hard, and Im not the only other one who has noticed. Cracked.Com Why has Obama officially failed at being the Anti-Christ?  The 46 prophesies of the book of Revelations has 46 prophesies (duh) prophesying (once again, duh) the rise and fall of the Anti-Christ. 4 out of  5(dentist recommend trident) of those prophesies name some very specific stuff, stuff that seems kind of important, like very specific times lines to start his reign of terror.  If you wanna read them all

1.He is supposed to strengthen a covenant for a seven year time span. Now, yes, the government could be looked at as a covenant. But last time I checked, he hasn't ruled over it with strength and absolute power. Now, what he was supposed to do with the mess he was given could be tossed out there, but he is supposed to strengthen his covenant, so sounds to me as if he was meant to come into a cluster fuck in the first place. He should of had his evil ass better prepared.. He only gets 8 years, max, taking control as President of the United States, so hes a bit behind schedule, if you ask me.
2 and 3. He will arise among 10 kings, and then uproot 3 of those ten specifically to gain power. How on earth does he fit that description? There has been more than 10 presidents. There are more than 10 nations with rulers. There are a lot more than 10 nations in the United Nations. And he didnt uproot anyone to get into power. We elected him in. You could argue that in modern terms, he uprooted someone by beating them in an election, but come on, even republicans have to admit, Sara Palin uprooted McCain.
4. His 10 nation union will merge into a world government that he will dominate. Hell, hes having trouble dominating the United States, much less 10 nations.
He did of course manage to fufill one of them admirably. He is a man. Good job Barack. Im proud of you.

                                      Excellent job Mr Obama sir! Really, top notch attention to detail!

After these first 5, very specific prophesies, there are a bunch of nice, generic ones that prophesies are more known for. Such as he will be the 7th king in power (wait, I thought he rose among 10 kings?) and people are taking the word king to mean 7 world governments that have ruled. They say so far there have been 6.

1. Egypt. 2. Assyria. 3. Babylon. 4. Medo-Persia. 5. Greece. 6. Rome. So... anyone in power in the US could be qualify, right? Or Germany. Or Russia. Or China. Any one of these countries could qualify. All have been world powers at some point, and even had plans for world domination. All they need is the right leader to strengthen them back up over a seven year span. My favorite is 'he will understand puzzling things'. Well, hell. M good at puzzles and riddles, and situations that are baffling in general....OMG I might be the Anti-Christ! After these nice, easy to apply to whomever you want prophesies, we get another, very specific one, that basically says he will dominate the world after 3 1/2 years, after he confirms the covenant (takes power with strength and give his nation prosperity and peace) and then rule for 42 months after this. Well, he passed the 3 1/2 year mark. Last time I checked, the world was still being ruled by the same old, bitchy people as always.Our nations still at war, and Im no richer than I was when he took office.

Any of the prophesies after that do not apply, for they talk about what he will do once he takes over the world. Which Obama has yet to do in the very specific time table allotted to him. Which has forced, Im sure, even the most die hard Anti-Christ theory fan to admit that if he is, in fact, the Anti-Christ, hes pretty terrible at the job, and that we could probably take him with a few crucifixes and a vial of holy water. So they have decided that he is instead just... what exactly, bad for your soul? Thats it. He is like a Big Mac for your soul, clogging its heavenly passages with his quiet evil. I see, 'If you vote for Obama, God will forsake you, for you have forsaken him' everywhere, admittedly most of them are making fun of it, but thats just cuz thats the kind of friends I keep.

                                                   My best friend, on her way to vote for Obama
I recently recieved a super secret, top secret recorded conversation between two men making plans to warn the world and save our souls.." So everyone is forsaking God by voting for Obama, but why, master, why? We know he is evil, but cannot prove it credibly. We can try to tell them its because he is the Anti-Christ, but, inevitably, some spoilsports, probably potheads and loose women, are going to point out that he sucks at his job, and anyways, God and the Devil are gonna have it out at the end of of the Anti-Christ's reign on earth, and Gods gonna win (the prophesies say so), so some will think that maybe God WANTS us to vote in the Anti-Christ, he is pretty mad at us apparently for all our homosexual behavior and abortions, and this way, he will finally gets to meet the Devil at the playground at 3:00 and lay the infamous almighty smack down on him, so wont they want to vote for him to help God out?"
"Thats right Harvey. We cant mention the Anti-Chirst thing anymore, Cant risk good hearted Christians voting Obama in trying to help God out and bring on the Big Fight. Thats a one way ticket to hell, we have to save those poor poor, naive people. We just wont explain our knowledge. It will make it seem more heaven like anyway, God never explains himself."
"But we arent God Master, those loyal to the Lord may wish to know how we came about such knowledge."
"*Gasp* That would be them asking for a cause for the effect Harvey, you blasphemous fool! *smack* Thats SCIENCE! *voice fades, as they leave the mics range*  Witchcraft I tell you, WITCHCRAFT!"
Disclaimer:This conversation MAY not of actually happened this way

                                                                    I MIGHT have been lying to you.....

Seriously, not one of these messages gives us a good reason as to HOW we are forsaking God by voting for Obama. They quote a scary passage from the book of revelations, but what the hell kind of explanation is that? All that is referring to is the book God has that has the names of the righteous in it, The Book Of The Dead, which has a partner book in which he has written the names of the unrighteous, The Book Of The Dead, and on judgment day, the dead will stand before him and he will judge you based on which book your name was written in, the damned will be tossed into the lake of fire after they are judged. Um. Ok. But once again, WHY is my name being recorded into the book of the dead for voting for Obama? Call me crazy, but if Im gonna be forsaking my soul by voting for door number 1 vs door number 2, I would like a damn good reason, just for my own personal knowledge. Like dancing. God frowns on it BECAUSE its too close to fornicating. Or good old fashioned fornication, for reasons other than creating life of course, BECAUSE pleasure is a grave grave sin. Writing 'God will forsake you if you vote for Obama, for you are forsaking him" is not descriptive enough. I suppose you assume the uninformed will just blindly say, 'Ok, cool! Thanx for the warning man!", but the rest of us are dying to know. 'Why is Obama soul cholesterol?"...  OMG I GOT IT! Its because he is black with a foreign name, isnt it?!! Admit it, come on, you're among friends. God hates black men with foreign names, doesn't he? 

                                                                                     Courtesy of Chicago Times
                                                       KKK, the official sponsors of the 'Save our souls movement".
 

The Mario Brothers

You know, there is a question that I have yet to see asked in the internet world, and here I thought the internet had answered every possible question out there. Why do we call Mario and Luigi the Mario Brothers? (Don't tell me their last name is Mario. Shigeru Miyamoto, the creator of the brothers, has said that the movie is wrong, their last name is not Mario). Isn't Luigi a little bitter about the fact that his entire identity is being Marios brother? Maybe this explains the obvious hero worship and depression that caused him to fall in love with a scary, psychotic double of his older brothers love and move into a haunted house.

                                                          Seen here on one of his 'good' days.

 Or we could always talk about Mario's delusions of grandeur and obvious narcissistic complex. He spent his whole life working a blue collar job, chasing a princess who is obviously enjoying getting kidnapped. One could argue that she is just into the whole being saved thing, and its some kind of kinky sex game between her and Mario. Until Nintendo 64's Super Mario World. That's when one of Bowser's kids announces to Peach and the whole world that Peach is his mother! And instead of being horrified, Peach calmly relpys, 'So you're Bowser's son.' Which would imply that she knew she had given birth to Bowser's illegitimate child and had abandoned it. Had Bowser raped her, gotten her pregnant, and taken the child? But if he was so horrible, why did she keep letting herself get kidnapped? I think the more likely scenario is she and Bowser are in love, but for political reasons, she cant marry him. So her and Bowser came up with a solution, he would 'kidnap' her, and that way she could live with her love and not destroy her royal name! But then along came Mario, thinking himself a hero, and 'rescued' her, and to protect her child, she had to leave him behind with Bowser! So there Mario is, breaking up true love, destroying a family, all so he can play hero, and he has convinced himself, despite evidence to the contrary such as her repeated disappearances,  that she of course must love him. Hes so awesome his little brother is known by his name too, how could she NOT love him?!

Cat Army's Propaganda Department Conspiracy Theory

Ok. So while browsing the news on the Huffington Post today, I came across a fun looking article entitled Proof that cats are better than dogs! Proof that cats are better than dogs/Huffington Post Hmm. Ok. Basically the claim is that science proves that cats are smarter than dogs, but that wasnt what caught my eye. And I quote "The validity of the study is questionable and some have attributed it to propaganda by the "Cat Army Propaganda Department." The cat army propaganda department huh? I started to think about this. What, exactly, did they mean by 'Cat Army'?

                                                                        Awwwww.


I was, to be honest with you, a bit titillated. Yes. The possibilities were endless. Was someone creating a deadly army of cats? Thousands of little, furry, helmeted solders marching along in puuurrrrfectly (sorry, had to) formed lines, fighting for the American people? What is their fighting style? Do they go paw to hand combat with Kitty Kung Fu? Or are they trained to shoot guns, perhaps with one kitten hanging off the trigger with an adorably confused look on his face, while two more playfully bat the barrel back and forth between each other effectively creating the most adorable spray of gunfire ever? Or maybe it is a special group of human combat specialist who happen to share a love of the furry lifestyle, particularly of the feline variety? Perhaps they are preparing to go to war in the middle east and using their patented 'trip out the enemy by having a bunch of giant, American Military Thunder Cats jump outta the woods' technique'.This would explain the need for a propaganda department. Im not sure America is ready to accept a group of furries as their national heros.

 The Dog Army Propaganda Dept is experiencing similar popularity issues, but taking a much more direct approach.


So I began Googling. At first I was frustrated in my attempts to find anything out about the CAPD, nothing but articles blaming the CAPD for releasing this video were popping up. I was intrigued. Was this a case of someone making up a funny sounding name for a fictional propaganda department and people re-quoting it as fact? Or was this deeper? Had I stumbled onto a conspiracy, a top secret underground group dedicated to defaming the good name of dogs everywhere, one so secret and so sinister that only recently whispers  about it had began to leak out? Perhaps these sinister people were responsible for movies such as Old Yeller and Kujo. I figure there people are a group of witches and wizards who seek to restore cats good names and put them in more households, so they can send their feline minions out into the world to cast evil spell upon the mortals.

'Mom, look what the scary old lady that lives in the decrepit old mansion on the hill is giving out instead of candy this year!'

I couldn't find anything about the propaganda department, so I decided to research about the cat army itself! And there it was on Google, the official website of the Cat Army. I clicked on it, tingling from the excitement of learning more about this apparently very secret organization of witches and wizards. The first thing that popped up on their offical website was a long haired tom with a military helmet on, looking adorably curious and ready to kick some ass. CAT ARMY: JOIN THE FELINE FRONT LINES was written across it. So maybe this is a recruitment site for cats run by witch and wizard lords to not fight for the world, but to take it over!... Cats can use computers, right? Then came active duties objectives. 'To meet challenges head on and create new initiatives to honor, defend, and save cats lives. Oh, ok, so this is a people army! Perhaps its white witches, creating an army of feline familiars to battle the evil dog loving warlocks that capture cats and torture and murder them! And...rape their wives? Is that why their cats honor needs defending? Any animal that kills by hiding and pouncing when their prey is least expecting it, then playing with it for a while before cruelly murdering it for sport and also known for spitefully peeing and pooping on peoples cloths, shoes, and even one persons side of the bed if they dont like them or are mad at them doesnt have much honor. They have lots of cuddle wuddle skills. But not much honor.

                                     Thou hast offended my honor sir. Prepare to have your bed shat upon.

Once the whole page was in view, it was a bit of a let down. Or was it? The background was a solid shade of the ugliest army green you have ever seen. Down the left side is twenty repeats of the same badly worded praise, followed by a few cat stories by bored housewives if you scroll down far enough. At the top of the page are pictures of cats, some dressed in costumes (looking as if their honor had been badly wounded) some looking cute, one that was obviously Satan's, black, sitting straight up, with only glowing eyes showing in its black, soulless face. When you click on the officers tab you find that the only way to become an officer in this army is to buy your way in. Ok. It seems like this is just an expensive way for a few bored housewives across the world to brag about their cats. Then, when you click on the members page, it gets a bit weird. First thing you notice is very few people have their pics up. When I was there only one girl had a photo, and her profile was duplicated. Then, have a look at these peoples cities and states. Im sorry, anatryfry36, I have never heard of eqMYllXzIuJunlLT, United States. Is that one of the small, New England states no one can ever remember? So, Acncknerly,  where exactly do you find New York, American Samoa at on the map again? It almost looks as if the whole thing is made up, to make it LOOK like there are people in this online army. If you check the events, there are only two events period on there. There is NO accomplishments tab. How did such an apparently ineffective army manage to pull it together enough to make a convincing fake scientific video to make the world love cats even more than we already do? This has diabolical evil plot written all over it.

The answer? Wizards and their witchy cohorts. Its the only thing that makes sense. Only wizards and witches could fake a convincing science miracle on camera! Only the evil minions of Satan would be cunning enough to put up a fake website to throw witch hunters off the trail by appearing as nonthreatening as possible! Having stumbled onto this conspiracy theory, I am now in fear of my very life, and share my suspicions on the internet with millions in hopes that this may make killing me to silence me a moot point.