Ok. So while browsing the news on the Huffington Post today, I came across a fun looking article entitled Proof that cats are better than dogs!
Proof that cats are better than dogs/Huffington Post Hmm. Ok. Basically the claim is that science proves that cats are smarter than dogs, but that wasnt what caught my eye. And I quote "The validity of the study is questionable and some have
attributed it to propaganda by the "Cat Army Propaganda Department." The cat army propaganda department huh? I started to think about this. What, exactly, did they mean by 'Cat Army'?
Awwwww.
I was, to be honest with you, a bit titillated. Yes. The possibilities were endless. Was someone creating a deadly army of cats? Thousands of little, furry, helmeted solders marching along in puuurrrrfectly (sorry, had to) formed lines, fighting for the American people? What is their fighting style? Do they go paw to hand combat with Kitty Kung Fu? Or are they trained to shoot guns, perhaps with one kitten hanging off the trigger with an adorably confused look on his face, while two more playfully bat the barrel back and forth between each other effectively creating the most adorable spray of gunfire ever? Or maybe it is a special group of human combat specialist who happen to share a love of the furry lifestyle, particularly of the feline variety? Perhaps they are preparing to go to war in the middle east and using their patented 'trip out the enemy by having a bunch of giant, American Military Thunder Cats jump outta the woods' technique'.This would explain the need for a propaganda department. Im not sure America is ready to accept a group of furries as their national heros.
The Dog Army Propaganda Dept is experiencing similar popularity issues, but taking a much more direct approach.
So I began Googling. At first I was frustrated in my attempts to find anything out about the CAPD, nothing but articles blaming the CAPD for releasing this video were popping up. I was intrigued. Was this a case of someone making up a funny sounding name for a fictional propaganda department and people re-quoting it as fact? Or was this deeper? Had I stumbled onto a conspiracy, a top secret underground group dedicated to defaming the good name of dogs everywhere, one so secret and so sinister that only recently whispers about it had began to leak out? Perhaps these sinister people were responsible for movies such as Old Yeller and Kujo. I figure there people are a group of witches and wizards who seek to restore cats good names and put them in more households, so they can send their feline minions out into the world to cast evil spell upon the mortals.
'Mom, look what the scary old lady that lives in the decrepit old mansion on the hill is giving out instead of candy this year!'
I couldn't find anything about the propaganda department, so I decided to research about the cat army itself! And there it was on Google, the official website of the Cat Army. I clicked on it, tingling from the excitement of learning more about this apparently very secret organization of witches and wizards. The first thing that popped up on their offical website was a long haired tom with a military helmet on, looking adorably curious and ready to kick some ass. CAT ARMY: JOIN THE FELINE FRONT LINES was written across it. So maybe this is a recruitment site for cats run by witch and wizard lords to not fight for the world, but to take it over!... Cats can use computers, right? Then came active duties objectives. 'To meet challenges head on and create new initiatives to honor, defend, and save cats lives. Oh, ok, so this is a people army! Perhaps its white witches, creating an army of feline familiars to battle the evil dog loving warlocks that capture cats and torture and murder them! And...rape their wives? Is that why their cats honor needs defending? Any animal that kills by hiding and pouncing when their prey is least expecting it, then playing with it for a while before cruelly murdering it for sport and also known for spitefully peeing and pooping on peoples cloths, shoes, and even one persons side of the bed if they dont like them or are mad at them doesnt have much honor. They have lots of cuddle wuddle skills. But not much honor.
Thou hast offended my honor sir. Prepare to have your bed shat upon.
Once the whole page was in view, it was a bit of a let down. Or was it? The background was a solid shade of the ugliest army green you have ever seen. Down the left side is twenty repeats of the same badly worded praise, followed by a few cat stories by bored housewives if you scroll down far enough. At the top of the page are pictures of cats, some dressed in costumes (looking as if their honor had been badly wounded) some looking cute, one that was obviously Satan's, black, sitting straight up, with only glowing eyes showing in its black, soulless face. When you click on the officers tab you find that the only way to become an officer in this army is to buy your way in. Ok. It seems like this is just an expensive way for a few bored housewives across the world to brag about their cats. Then, when you click on the members page, it gets a bit weird. First thing you notice is very few people have their pics up. When I was there only one girl had a photo, and her profile was duplicated. Then, have a look at these peoples cities and states. Im sorry, anatryfry36, I have never heard of eqMYllXzIuJunlLT, United States. Is that one of the small, New England states no one can ever remember? So, Acncknerly, where exactly do you find New York, American Samoa at on the map again? It almost looks as if the whole thing is made up, to make it LOOK like there are people in this online army. If you check the events, there are only two events period on there. There is NO accomplishments tab. How did such an apparently ineffective army manage to pull it together enough to make a convincing fake scientific video to make the world love cats even more than we already do? This has diabolical evil plot written all over it.
The answer? Wizards and their witchy cohorts. Its the only thing that makes sense. Only wizards and witches could fake a convincing science miracle on camera! Only the evil minions of Satan would be cunning enough to put up a fake website to throw witch hunters off the trail by appearing as nonthreatening as possible! Having stumbled onto this conspiracy theory, I am now in fear of my very life, and share my suspicions on the internet with millions in hopes that this may make killing me to silence me a moot point.
